This is Bull Shoot

I just wanna say that whoever invented PACE or thought PACE was a good and solid idea... yea..... GO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE. literally do not care about your well being or existence on this earth. I am soooo unbelievably frustrated and irritated right now I literally am contemplating my suicide. WHY IS LIFE SO DIFFICULT. Its completely comical that the class I struggle in the most is freaking US Seminar....... yes. I repeat, US Seminar. *Gun to my head* I do not do well with computers. I believe in the process of a pen and paper and turning it in. I dont like this "upload this file" then "turn it in to this website" and "the website can be found on TRACS" but "maybe it wont upload". THIS IS BULL SHOOT. I would be making a solid grade if this was not a task. CLASSIC: I did the interview but LORD knows how to upload my interview or type out what happened. I want to die. Right now. If someone walked into the library and say "hey anyone want me to render you unconscious for a couple years" Id be like "hey me!" Honestly this- along with other many classic things that go on throughout my reality show of a life- is just making it hard to function.

In other words my birthday is saturday. Mazel Tov.

Volunteering

On the morning of Halloween I went to Hemphill Elementary storybook festival. This year was my second year going and I am glad that I was able to go this year too. I started going last year because of a class that I had during my senior year, it was called Ready Set Teach, where I intern with a first grade teacher. I helped her by helping her students in reading and writing, and so the storybook festival was a part of the class. My friend (who was also an intern) and I decided to go to this year’s festival because we wanted to visit the teachers that we used to intern with. Last year the storybook festival was full of people wanting to read to the little kids. Every year the high school cheerleaders, football players, and member from other clubs dress up as a character from the book that they want to read to the children. However this year was different because of the floods. But fortunately my friend and I were able to attend, there was nobody there compared to last year, only a few parents and the teachers. Teachers went to read to other classes during their conference, parents read to their kid’s classes and my friend and I read to the class that we used to intern with. So fortunately kids were able to get a smile from the stories that were read to them, even though the flood had affected the tradition of having a lot people coming to read to them.

Horoscopes

Yesterday, I was at Mochas and Javas, having an espresso and reading the Austin Chronicle. In the back were some horoscopes, that I usually overlook - but had decided to read through.

Mine read:

"What don't you like? Get clear about that. What don't you want to do? Make definitive decisions. What kind of person do you not want to become and what life do you never want to live? Resolve those questions with as much certainty as possible. Write it all down, preferably in the form of a contract with yourself. Sign the contract. This document will be your sacred promise, a declaration of the boundaries you won't cross and the activities you won't waste your time on and the desires that aren't worthy of you. It will feed your freedom to know exactly what you like and what you want to accomplish and who you want to become."

Horoscopes rarely hit home for me as heavily as this one did. Usually they are conveniently vague, applicable to many people and situations, so I seldom take them seriously, but this one was incredibly relevant to recent events.

I have had many distractions and temptations that have been persuading me to be strayed from my desired path, and this horoscope was what I needed to hear in order to realize that these "desires that aren't worthy" are just that - unworthy of my time.

I need to prioritize my thoughts, and not focus on negativity or toxic friendships and relationships.
I need to clearly envision the person I want to become, and define the steps it will take to reach that.
I don't want to repeat mistakes that have already been made.
I want to live up to my potential, and pursue every beneficial opportunity that comes my way.
I want to embody positivity, and I must make the "definitive decision" to pursue this.

Today, I got a fortune cookie. It read, "Focus on your long-term goal. Don't hesitate to act now."

I'm not a very spiritual person, but these signs have made it undeniable that now is the time for self-improvement and prioritizing my thoughts and intentions.

Sleep Is Important

Who would've thought? I have slept less this past week than I have any other week of my entire life. It started Halloween night when, through a series of bizarre and stressful circumstances, I stayed up until 7 am. My alarm went off an hour later and I almost didn't go to class. But then I remembered promising myself that no matter what I had done Halloween night, I would go to my classes  on Friday. Grudgingly, I got out of bed and went to class. I was able to stay awake through psychology pretty fine, but in political science, I passed out in the front row. Apparently I fell asleep on the girl next to me and the professor stopped, looked at me, shrugged, and went on with the lecture. I slept the rest of the day but repeated this for the rest of the weekend. Sunday night I pulled an all nighter for no reason and passed out in psychology and barely made it through political science. Because of those days, my sleep cycle is so messed up right it's not even funny. To give you idea: I dozed off getting my haircut today. I haven't been to philosophy in a week now because I wasn't able to get up. So yeah, sleep is important and I wish I did it more.

sick

            When I went out for Halloween Thursday night I enjoyed myself but now I am having to suffer serious consequences. My allergies got really bad that night, I had watery eyes, a headache, and a runny nose. I got home that night took a zyrtec and went to bed. That Friday I woke up alright my allergies were still acting up but that was normal. I went home for the weekend and I felt okay I had the same symptoms just a big headache. Monday came around and I am not too sure of what happed but now I am sick. I feel like I am dying. I had a fever Monday night I have a bad cough, stuffed up nose, my body feels week, throat hurts. It has been a bad week for me. I am on all kinds of meds and nothing seems to be working, I do not want to go to the doctor because I know they are just going to tell me I have a cold and give me more meds. I have just been in a crappy mood all week, I hate being sick I lose out on a lot of time because I am resting.

Currently Ohkay

Well, I know that I said I wouldn't get caught up in this job, but I most definitely did. Time management was never my strong suit but I have managed thus far. Now, that I work so often my skill has been put up to the test. I have to really plan things out and I can't just wing it anymore. 

This job is making me have to grow up. I don't know if it's a good thing as of right now. I didn't tell my parents about having the job because they told me that having a job takes out of the environment and the true experience of college because you can't focus on school. Which, I agree, it does make you think about other things. But, in the same respect, I find that I consider my deadlines and true use every bit of time I have effectively now. I don't have the job because I have bills to pay. I got it because I wanted a new phone and some pocket change. So, there is no urgency and if I get too overwhelmed I can quit. Simple. 

But, until I got to that point of realization I was swimming. Last week I had so much due in school and I was still closing every night. I was exhausted and I did some things I'm going to regret but at the end I learned that I needed to get my shit together. 

I think the reason I didn't want to tell my mom is because she would try and just give me money and I would much rather earn it. I hate feeling like I'm in debt to someone or like I owe them something. But going to college has been all I've wanted since I was in kindergarten. And mostly for the safe independence I have here. I won't let something like money bind me up again. So, it was either a job or prostitution and I think the more honest way is better.

At the end of all this, I'm fine though. I got it under control... For now.

My Halloween

I went to a halloween party last week as Tom, wearing a "hello my name is" sticker. Last night I was driving around in my banana suit and ended up at my girlfriends house with a couple of friends where we all watched the scary movie series (because some people just can't handle horror movies). So Halloween night was okay, just not that fun. Tonight there is another costume party, and I'll probably go as a giant banana. It's funny that the Fridays before and after Halloween are usually the more eventful nights, for older kids anyways.