Overall

What can I say, things have been rough lately. I'll spare you the details.

If there is anything I am able to take away from the recent hell that my life has become, it is that I need to adjust my perception of good and bad. Too many times have I seen only the good in people, or expected that things were going to get better, "everything is going to be okay". This is unrealistic, because everything sucks a little bit. And if i try to be completely optimistic all of the time, I will be constantly disappointed.

Not to say that I am going to become jaded and pessimistic. I am simply going to adjust my expectations, and try to eliminate them completely. Not expecting good, not expecting bad. Doing what I can to be a good person and accept that bad things will constantly be happening and that I cannot take them all to heart.

I'm still hoping that things will get better. But I'm adjusting to them being bad.

So everyone seems excited for Thanksgiving break but in reality I'm not. I know I should be since I will be able t spend time with my family in Atlanta, but its like this break is a little teaser. I'm ready for winter break not little ole thanksgiving break. I'm so over this semester and I really can't wait for next. Why you ask? Well it's because It's a whole new semester, who wouldn't want that. I actually want a long break from school as well! Also I may have the chance to rush, which is something I've always wanted to do, or just join the step team. I JUST WANT TO JOIN SOME NEW STUFF!  So yeah I'm pretty thankful for the Thanksgiving and I'm excited to see my family...but I'm really ready for the extra long break and A WHOLE NEW SEMESTER!

Another Thanksgiving Post

My Thanksgiving break is most likely going to suck. My mom invited me to go with her to Alabama and Florida next week but I didn't want to spend three days of my break in a car with her smelly dog, plus I have a few classes on Monday. My family is all split up, it's pretty sad that not everyone can get together, especially the ones that live in Texas. My sister is having her own dinner in Odessa with her in-laws, so at least she has an excuse to not come down to San Marcos. My brother is probably the only other one that has a decent excuse, he's flying in from Chicago late on the Saturday after Thanksgiving. My dad's side of the family is all getting together on the day of giving thanks, but it is my mom's side of the family that's the problem. My cousins never get along and my aunts and uncles like to take sides, so some just don't talk to anyone in the family and have their own little Thanksgiving dinners. There are going to be two dinners that I'll be going to, one on Thursday and the other on Saturday. So on the plus side of my family being all split up on a holiday we should be coming together, I will be very well fed for a few days.

Well

I went home this week for a court date about my DUI I had back home. It went smoothly and now I have 30 days to complete a bunch of stuff for them to expunge it. I am confident I will be able to compete this list just need more time. 30 days will be hard having finals coming up and all. December 19 is the drop dead time for it all. The hardest part will be the 50 hours of community service. The AA class will not be that difficult.

I'm stressing bc this week I'm cramming for time between my final week as a pledge and all my homework. I don't know how to make a resume and attach it to my e-portfolio file. I still have to make the 4 hour drive home and I'll probably hit the Austin 5o'clock traffic jam. This week has just been to overwhelming and i;m not looking forward to the weekend.  

Thanksgiving!

MMMMMM! I can not wait to eat. I already miss my grandmas food just in general, but I have been waiting for her thanksgiving food since last thanksgiving. Its weird to think about all the stuff that has changed since last thanksgiving. I was just getting started with basketball season, still in high school, only applying to college!  And now im away at college already going on my first thanksgiving break! Things have just been moving way to fast. I guess life is to short hu. The holidays have always been the best time for me. I get to see a lot of my family that I hardly see because we all live out of town and everyone works and such. So its nice to get to enjoy that time with them.

Wow time flies

School seems to be going faster and faster and honestly I don’t know what to think of it because I can’t wait for it to honestly be over but at the same time we still got a lot going on that should be a lot of fun. Unfortunately with what is yet to come so are all finals for all my classes so that’s not all that great. Through it all this semester has been amazing and I’ve had such a good time as both in having fun and in learning so much from my professors and my fellow students that I’ve met this year. It is truly been a blessing getting to experience all this with such a diverse community so I couldn’t be any happier.

My dysfunctional dorm family

The people in my dorm are starting to drive me a little insane. They're really cool people, all one hundred and forty of them. However, being in such a small dorm with such a small number of people has its ups and downs. For one, everyone knows everyone, which was wonderful until everyone got to know everyone AND everyone's business. There's always gossip going around about who did what or who kissed who and stuff like that. We've gotten so close...maybe even a little too close. Almost like a family, except more dysfunctional. Recently people have gotten into the habit of taking things that don't belong to them as well, such as my ID that I never got back and had to pay ten dollars to replace, or my family sized bag of Doritos that I left on the couch for approximately thirteen minutes before it grew teeth on the inside and magically devoured all the chips inside by itself. Sounds extremely annoying, right? Well it is! Everyone in my dorm is cool and all but I'm thinking about distancing myself a little because some people have clearly gotten a bit too comfortable and are now crossing lines that should never be crossed. I'm pretty frustrated but there's a simple solution to all of this. I'm just going to keep things private. Both my secrets and possessions are going to be safe and sound from now on because I'm not trusting anyone else with them!

Speeches

    This week I had to give a speech in my communications class.  I know that most of you are feeling my pain and have gone through exactly what I have gone through.  But this knowledge does not make me feel better in the slightest when the time comes to actually give the speech in front of my class.  I get extremely nervous, almost to the point of locking up, but I force myself to give the speech because it is the only way that I can make the grade that I desire in that particular class.  I get hot and immediately begin to sweat when it is my turn, not to mention that I can feel my hands shaking even though everyone says it doesn't look like I'm shaking.  Even now I feel myself begin to get the anxiety of speaking in front of people just from describing it.  After the speech is given I think "that wasn't so bad, it'll be better next time" but every time I feel the same exact way that I felt the time before.  I know that my anxiety isn't at the worst level it could be but it is bad enough to stop me from speaking up during a class or even volunteering to help with something.  I guess I just have a fear of the unknown, not knowing how people will react to your speech or your actions, but who isn't? 
    The worst part about this is that I don't just have one speech to give I have two, along with several presentations in a few of my other classes this semester.  I know that this is not the worst thing that a class could assign for you to do, but it is one of the most dreaded assignments that can be given (at least it is in my book).  I really like my communications class over all, don't get me wrong, I just hate with a passion having to give speeches in front of people whether I know them or not. 
    Another bad thing about the speech I had to give this week is that I had to give it on the same day that my biology test was on.  So I had to study my speech and my biology notes at the same time and try not to get them mixed up in my head.  In the end however everything worked out well, the biology test was much easier than I expected it to be and the speech went well over all (I think).

This Past Week

So this past week has been an eventful one. I'm down to thirteen meal swipes which means, if I eat three meals a day, they should last me four whole days. So if you see me in a dining hall, don't be a stranger, I'm not above taking meal swipes if you have extras. On top of running out of food, I am about to be buried under a mountain of algebra homework. I know I shouldn't have put it off for so long, but I really dislike math. I think we are currently going over chapter 6.2, in the homework I'm on 3.2.So yeah, I have a lot of catching up to do, probably over Thanksgiving break. I also woke up sick a couple days ago and can't breathe out of my nose right now and I have headaches. A couple of days ago I found an email in my inbox that I thought said I was going to get a financial aid refund of $430, but after asking about it I found out that wasn't the case at all. On the bright side, I think I may have done something impossible as far as college is concerned: I got my sleep cycle back on track. Today I woke up at 8am without the aid of an alarm; my first class is at 12:30. I'm no longer as fatigued as I used to be and I'm in an overall better mood. Last night I went and had dinner with my dad and we had a really good time catching up. It also helps that he paid for it so I could eat for the night.

Ready for the Holidays

I am so ready for it to be the holidays already. I could probably do without Thanksgiving, but I would love for it to be Christmas already. I have been so stressed lately, especially with all of these classes and other things that have been on my mind. With where I am going to live next year or if I want to come back to Texas State next year or others things like that, I have been completely stressed. And people try to talk to me about it and sort of tell me what I am and what I'm not going to do and I'm just like guys hello this is my life no one else's so I should be the ones to make the decisions about it. I have been recently thinking about transferring to another school next year, and it's not like Texas State isn't bad or anything I am just not sure if it is the place for me. I don't really feel like this is a home for me, maybe I am just in a semester funk I don't know but I'm not really feeling it here at Texas State. My roommate wants me to be in a sorority like she is in so that maybe if I feel apart of something I will want to stay. Part of me is like heck yeah I'll be in one and then another part of me is like umm I don't think I would fit in too well in a sorority. It is all just so complicated, and even if I feel like I want to transfer, I know my mom probably won't let me even if it's my schooling and should be mostly my decision. But who knows how I will feel after the holidays.

Insomnia

I swear I have insomnia. For the past week I have stayed up every night until 4:30. I lay in bed and try to go to sleep, but sleep never comes. I get up and try doing something to see if it makes me tired enough to sleep but nothing seems to work. I've tried reading, counting sheep, doing laundry and a butt load of other things but nothing is doing the trick. Usually this whole staying up with only a couple hours sleep thing only happens once or twice a week, but lately its getting bad. When I finally do fall asleep I end up sleeping through my alarms and miss most of my classes. I can't email teachers and tell them why I didn't come to class because they're just gonna see it as an excuses or think I'm lying. Which really sucks because I'm starting to fail a lot of my classes because of my sleeping problem. I'm actually pretty sure I am going to fail this class and communications. UGH. I feel like such a failure. I hate failing and not doing things right, it makes me so disappointed in myself because I know its no ones fault but mine. Its like I worked my butt of to get into this school and then when I get here I don't take it seriously. And not in the way where I'm going out and partying every night or anything, I just got really lazy. Its hard keeping myself motivated, but I'm hoping next semester I'll do better. I'm going to try and get a job so that way I have less time to goof off and more of a set schedule. I think the schedule thing would also help me with my sleeping issue. I don't think I can take much more of this lack of sleep. It's 3:05 am right now...I should be sleeping....OHHHHHHH I forgot to mention that the screaming girls in the lobby of my dorm also don't help. They LITERALLY stay up till ungodly hours every night SCREAMING. Not like being load but actual screaming. They just stay in the lobby and keep everyone on the first floor up. It's been like that all semester. Aren't there supposed to be required quiet hours every night or something? THE STRUGGLE IS REAL.

get me out.

Honestly, this week SUCKS. With 3 tests, an essay, and a lot of homework due I’m going crazy. I want this week to be over already. Thank God I leave this place Tuesday to go home. I can’t wait to be home and see everyone I really care about. College has not been all it’s cracked up to be for me so far. I really just want to quit, but I know if I want to make it anywhere far in life and be successful I have to be here. It just really sucks for me right now. I’m counting down the day for thanksgiving and Christmas break. I need Christmas break to come faster so I can be home for a while. JUST GET ME OUT OF HEREEEE!!!

awkward

                This past weekend my family came up and we went shopping on Sunday and spent the whole day together. They were here in my room for a couple of hours just catching up and relaxing. My brother was laying on my bed and he kept saying “you don’t have any pictures of me” which is not true I have pictures of him EVERYWHERE. Anyway, he wanted to try out my printer since it had WIFI, so he sent a picture to the printer and it didn’t work. So Monday came around and I was walking back to my dorm room when I saw a picture of my brother’s face on the door across from mine saying, “do you know this guy? Knock if you do.” I started cracking up, turns out my brother had sent his picture to the wrong printer and the picture was chilling in theirs. It was a little awkward but good thing I knew the girls lol

Its The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I wanted to write this blog about Thanksgiving but then I started to think and I realized that I honestly like everything about winter time in general. As a female, I think I enjoy winter time more than any guy because I get the most out of it. In winter, you get to wear many layers and baggy clothes which hides your curves and your stomach. Therefore, in the winter, there is no need to workout or watch what youre eating because no one knows if under those 2 sweaters is a flat stomach with abs or with mcdonalds. Also- no more nike shorts!! Just leggings or jeans. All. Day. Every. Day. Which means- why shave your legs? No one will know! You get a break. No need for tanning ether! Also in winter you never really need to do your hair because you can throw a beanie or hat on and blame it on the cold. Winter time is a vacation from doing things to make your body look good.

Speaking of eating whatever you want- Thanksgiving!! You can pig out and no one will know that you have a massive food baby under your jacket. I literally love thanksgiving because all you do is eat. Mash potatoes, green beans, PUMPKIN PIE!! And then- when you think the feast is over, you have the holidays. Wether you celebrate Christmas or Hanukah or whatever, you still eat a WHOLE lot. Plus presents and money.

Grades!

So last week I took two tests and had an essay due. It was a very stressful week trying to review for the tests and writing an essay. Plus the two tests are from my hardest classes, Biology and Business Law. Today I got the results back and I made a 68 in Biology, 72 in Business Law, and I got an A in my English paper. I am not so worry about Business Law or English because I know that I can at least get a B average for the semester. However I am really worry about Biology because as of right I am making a 73. I am okay with a C in that class because I am really bad at science, but I am at the border line of making a C. My final exam will be accumulative and will count as two tests grades. My Biology professor doesn’t give any extra credit and we don’t have any other grades, just the past three tests that we have taken and the final exams. I am just going to need to study really hard to remember everything since day one and pray that I at least get a C. I know that I will make A’s or B’s in my other classes but I really need to make at least a C in Biology.

Wedding

I went to a very spiritual, hippy wedding over the weekend. I went because the bride was my girlfriend's sister. It was the most bizarre event in my life and wish I didn't go. The wedding was in Krause Springs where we camped for three days. There is way too much detail I could give about the wedding, enough to get credit for writing 3 blogs.

I'm an emotional WRECK

A tragedy happened at my high school on Tuesday and one of the kids died. It's made me really sad since then. I don't know why really. I didn't even know either of the kids that were involved but it just hits close to home I guess. I think that since being in college I've become more emotional as a whole because even the smallest thing like too much homework can have me lying in bed crying all day. I hate it sometimes. It can really slow me down but I know I'll feel better eventually. I'm just really sad.....

Game of Life maybe...

At this point, I feel like I have been playing the waiting game all year.

At the beginning of the year I was waiting until I graduated. Then in the summer I was waiting until I turned 18. And now that school as stated I'm waiting until my next paycheck… And waiting until I meet with my advisor to go to Greece... And waiting until my boyfriend comes home…

There has got to be more to life than just waiting for the next thing. Maybe I'm doing it wrong. I feel like in between I'm doing good things or things that matter but in the back of my head there is always this nagging. But in college my ultimate wait is graduating. Am I the only one? College is supposed to be about growing and learning and becoming an adult. But why is it that I feel like I'm in s a standstill.

As if all those things aren't monumental enough, waiting for them is pretty anxiety causing on it's own. I guess since I have been just waiting and waiting and waiting it gets kinda old but after all that is what I'm used to. I've wanted to come to college since kindergarten and I want to take advantage of all that it is. But, I can't help but feel small when I am in control of nothing that is influencing my life in such a big way.

It's extremely overwhelming actually. I'm just a pawn, a single pawn at that, who isn't even moving itself around the board. Thinking of it like that puts all my anxiety on high. Who is in control? Why am I waiting? Why is it so prevalent in my mind?

Blood Drive

        Today Kappa Alpha Order hosted a blood drive on the quad. I helped run it after my 8am class till my 12:30 class. A blood drive was a good source of philanthropy from our fraternity. But I've got to say, I noticed the lack of care by the students here at Texas State.

        I tried to get people to participate by friendly conversation or just simply voicing out to the everyone in general what we were doing. Most kids would say not today, or they can't, or just flat out no. A lot of people would just ignore me or just walk by fast to avoid confrontation. I don't understand why people just give a little time to help or at least show some common courtesy.

      However, throughout the day a lot of people have signed up and participated. Many kids went in without question, some I had to talk into, and others I asked what time it was over so they could come in later. I myself gave blood for the first time today, and really good. little drained, literally, physically, but happy I could help out.

         The blood drive went well and I'm proud to have helped. Our fraternity had a successful event and that means good news for all!

Fall

Fall never seems to be a good time. 

Things just seem to go wrong, and all I can do is hope to get through it in one piece.

On Tuesday, another close long-time friend of mine passed away. The day after her 20th birthday.

It seems like death has been a theme of college for me. Or just of growing up in general lately. There has been so much death everywhere and I am not used to having to deal with it so frequently.

I know that it is something that everyone experiences. It is natural.

But does it really have to come all at once?

-_-

So my birthday was saturday. Yay me. I am now the solid: 19. I say 19 is solid for many reasons. As a 19 year old, youre still a "teen"and you still get the perks teenagers do for when you mess up its not looked as bad because youre not yet socially known as an adult. Say youre talking to someone and ask, "how old are you", and they respond "19" youre like "oh cool!" but if someone responds "20" youre like oh my god...... woah youre a mature adult. 20 just has a scarier ring to it. Like there is automatically so much more responsibility placed on you since the number of your age doesnt end in "teen". My whole life I honestly only wanted to be 16. Because 16 is the most solid teenager age. Youre a "teenager" like bratty, superficial teenager at 16 and life revolves around you. No worries at 16. Probably my all time favorite age since my whole middle school/preteen existence I just longed to be 16. Another age I wanted to be was 18. I honestly really loved being 18 overall. 19 is weird and awkward because youre not yet 21 and youre no longer 18. So it just is a waiting period. I honestly dont know how I feel about this 19 year old age. I'm still as stressed out as I was at 18. I still look the same. Growing up is a terrible terrible thing.

Yesterday

Yesterday I forgot to set an alarm before I went to sleep. Despite this, I woke up forty minutes before my first class feeling more refreshed than I ever have from sleeping. After my classes I headed to George's and ate lunch with one of my best friends from high school. I haven't really seen or hung out with him lately and it was nice to sit and talk for awhile.  Later in the day I went home to eat dinner with my family. They live in Wimberley which is only about thirty minutes away so I can go and be back without a problem. It was nice to go home and see everyone and catch up. My brother is playing on the junior varsity basketball team as a freshman, my sister has been picked to lead her little club, and my other sister is on student council. After catching up we had homemade chicken strips with green beans, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and salad. We also had homemade oatmeal chocolate chip cookies for dessert. Sometimes when I've gone home, I feel awkward because I don't live there and am out of the loop and not really involved with what's going on at home. Last night I didn't feel that way at all and it was very refreshing. When it was time to leave I grabbed some extra jackets and a bag of cookies to bring back to the dorm. The ride back was also very relaxing and calm. Back at the dorm I knocked out my laundry and some math homework before rejoining my friends who were making crapes. I finally went to bed around three after discussing philosophy and Star Wars. All in all, yesterday was a good day.

THIS WEEKEND!!! :)

Soooo even though I’m a commuter and I don’t get to spend a whole lot of time on campus to experience the college life, I still manage to get a little taste. At orientation I met two guys that I’ve gotten to know a pretty well and turns out that the three of us have become very good friends. The three of us are going on a hunting trip this weekend, and I couldn’t be any more excited! I love to go hunting and just the idea of spending 3 days with guys that share the same interest as me is always a good idea. I finally get to use my new 30-36 out rifle so the deer and hogs are going to be doomed!!! My friends and I also plan to bring everything back that we kill and have a good ol fashion cook out. So I kind of nervous cause if we don’t kill anything then were going to come back to an already planned cook out with nothing to cook. Although none the less I can’t wait for the trip cause I’m sure it’s going to be in stored for a whole lot of fun that I cannot even think to imagine.

Assignments

    Here recently I have had a lot more work to do than I did for the rest of the semester.  I had a test this week in chemistry that I had to study for (which was a lot easier than I expected) which took some of my time out.  I also learned this week that I have to give a presentation next week in my biology lab.  This is the first time that anyone has mentioned it in my lab.  It wont be too terribly difficult to prepare for the presentation but it would've been nice to have known two weeks in advance instead of one.  Also I have a speech outline due Friday when we were given the topics on  Monday.  These aren't terrible problems but they are magnified because they are all happening at the same time.  This puts a large work load on me that I haven't had before, I know I can do the work and get everything in its just that it cuts into a lot of my free time that I would rather spend doing nothing.  And when I say nothing I mean playing video games on my xbox watching American dad family guy and the Colbert report.  This would definitely be a less valuable use of my time but it is a much more fun use of my time. 
    Speaking of a fun use for my time I recently acquired the new call of duty ghost game.  Without spoiling anything I thought that the campaign was fin to play but had a terrible and hastily thrown together story line that leaves you asking "WHY?!?!?!?!?!"  The online multiplayer is ok but the multiplayer for black ops is much better than the one on ghost.  But what makes the game worth it is the extinction mode.  It is essentially the new format for zombies but instead of fighting zombies you fight an alien horde that is attempting to take over the earth, and yes I believe it does have an end that you can reach.

...

I came into this week thinking I was probably going to be stressed and annoyed by everything since I had two test to study for and a philosophy paper to write. So far, it's been alright. I've just been stuck I'm the library all week but it hasn't been too stressful. Turns out the week is almost over I have one test down and most of my paper done. The thing that is really getting me through the week is that I am going to a SoMo concert Thursday and I am super excited for it. Also, I found out my younger brother will be coming up this weekend to spend it with me. I haven't seen him in a while so I am pretty excited about that also. So although I have a few things to do and take care of, I still have something to look forward to :)

Less than two weeks

Thanksgiving Break is less than two weeks away and I can’t wait.  I will have family over at my house for thanksgiving and then on that weekend my family and I will be driving to Houston for a wedding. I also can’t wait to have a break, it has been a big challenge trying to keep up with all my work, but fortunately I am on top of things. This two weeks before the break will be very busy because I am trying to finish everything and get a little ahead on stuff in order for me to have no homework over the break. I really can’t wait to finally rest, spend time with my family and to have some fun. I want to be able to enjoy my thanksgiving break but in order to do that I first need to take care of my school work, which I will. Only two more weeks for thanksgiving break, and four more weeks until Christmas.

i.hate.everything.

So I know in class we talked about how lately our blogs were sad and depressing so I tried to make mine less sad and depressing. This week is a different story however. I’m honestly in the worst mood and it’s for a number of reasons. I’ve been sick the past week so that kind of already sucked so everything on top of that has just made it worse. Today I’m starting to feel a little better but my interaction with all of human kind has decreased to about a negative 100. I did not want to talk to ANYONE today. All I did was lay in bed all day long and listen to music. Every time my phone went off it just made me mad. I didn’t want to hear from anyone or didn’t want to be bothered by anyone. Hopefully I get over this soon because I hate being like this. On the bright side its exactly 2 weeks from today I’ll be home for Thanksgiving break, and 31 days until Christmas break. You can definitely say I’m ready to be home. Maybe next week’s blog won’t be so bad but until then, I hate everything.